I have all sorts of fun things to write about – I had a fun-filled day in LA yesterday, and want to update the blog!  But I’ll write all about it tomorrow (or later tonight when I’m wide awake haha).  Because, right now, I just want to jot down a few thoughts…

Thoughts of the day: Every day brings something new.  Every day I try to do a couple of little things.  Today I cleaned my room.  And did my homework.  And bought a new trashcan.  Not terribly exciting stuff, but sometimes it’s nice to just accomplish everyday, normal things.

In the middle of all of my cleaning, I went on to Facebook.  Never a good plan.  And I went snooping around, because that’s what I, and everyone else, does.  And of course I found something that just made me angry.  A status that was subtly offensive and insulting, but in such a way that no one else would notice.  All I can say is that I hate snarky people.  I hate people who say “nice” things, but really it’s just a dig at someone else.  I hate people who pretend that they are friendly and nice, but underneath it all, they’re really just mean.  Why not just BE mean?  Why not just be yourself, and actually say what you’re thinking?  Or don’t say anything at all.  Anyways, I let it bother me for a little bit, and then I went shopping for trashcans and sponges and cleaning supplies and groceries.  And I felt much better.  Because, after all, what do snarky people know?  Not much.  And now I have yummy food and can clean the rest of my apartment.

It’s amazing, the things that happen when you follow your gut.  And it’s fantastic when all the pieces just fall together.  Here’s my story of tonight:

Tonight was the UCLA-Stanford football game, and the person that has tickets with me couldn’t go.  I wasn’t sure if I was going to go or not.  Because I really didn’t want to sit by myself for 4 hours.  And I didn’t want to deal with parking.  And because it seemed like a lot of work.  But I kept thinking about it, and thinking about it.  For whatever reason, I felt it was important to be there.  So 45 minutes before the game was scheduled to start, I got in my car and started driving in that direction.  Thought I’d turn around if I got tired, or if parking was a hassle.  But I didn’t.  Not even when I went the wrong direction on Orange Grove because I wasn’t paying attention (and because I always get lost even though I’ve been driving to the Rose Bowl for almost 10 years now).  Anyways, I got there, and ended up sitting with friends that have season tickets.  Tickets on the opposite side of the stadium from me.  There were two empty seats right next to them.  What are the odds?

So, I’m sitting there, and all of a sudden this guy approaches and asks if the seat next to me is taken.  And when I look up to answer, I discover one of my friends from college standing there.  But not just any old friend.  He was one of my closest friends for years.  We used to talk all of the time, and would go to the games together, and party.  But we lost touch with each other after college, and I didn’t have any contact info for him.  There have been many times when I’ve thought about him, and missed him, and wished that we still kept in touch.  In fact, walking into the game tonight, I thought how nice it would have been if I could have called him to take the other ticket with me.  We talked for most of the second quarter and halftime, catching up on the last few years.  After he went back to his seat, just a few rows back, I thought about how fate had intervened.  I almost didn’t go to the game.  I almost sat on the opposite side of the stadium.  But I was sitting in the right seat, at the right time.  It was a good night

Restlessness

I’m trying to relax tonight.  I have Psych on…been catching up on all the old episodes.  What a fantastic show!  Anyways, I’m half-way through season 3.  Probably will finish it all tonight, if this evening follows all the other sleepless nights lately.  At least I’ll be laughing.

Which leads me to the topic of the night: restlessness.  Today was long.  I cleaned out cds.  I pretended to clean my room.  Yep, that’s about it.  The whole goals thing?  Right out the window.  But I do have a new sink in my bathroom now, which is exciting.  So I suppose it wasn’t a completely wasted day.  Not a bad day.  Not a good day.  Just a long day.  Which leads to night.  When my mind just goes around and around.  Thus, the Psych marathon.  Not exactly distracting, but it’s an attempt at least.

I hate feeling restless though.  I just want to go out and take a run.  I wish I ran.  Maybe I should start that.  Or kickboxing.  Or regular boxing.  Something that takes a lot of energy.  Because right now, I have a ton of energy, and I don’t know what to do with it.  And the sad part?  I probably won’t have energy tomorrow.  It’s the first home football game of the season, and I’m not sure if I’m going.  I want to.  I love the games.  But I don’t know that I have the energy to drive an hour to the game and sit there for four hours.  So, maybe I’ll just skip it.  That’s okay, right?  It’s funny.  I’m more concerned about what other people will think than about my own actions.  Maybe I should just see how the day goes.  I just wish my life was more planned these days.  That things went according to plan.  That things existed anywhere near a plan.  Guess that’s not my life at the moment.  Tomorrow I’ll see how I feel.  Tonight I’ll watch Psych until the wee hours of the morning.  And all will work itself out.

Those are my thoughts of the evening.  More coming soon, I’m sure.  If nothing else, all this restlessness is making me post more often.  Maybe it’ll even become a routine…you never know.

Goals

I’m trying to do this daily, even if i don’t have anything interesting to say.  Just to do it.  Just to keep up with it.  So that, when I finally DO have something interesting to say, I’ll be in the routine of writing.  Today’s topic: Goals.  Every day, I wake up with new goals.  Yesterday, it was to clean the kitchen.  Success.  It’s shining like never before.  Beautiful.  Today’s goal: To clean the bedroom.  Hmmm…that’s a bit bigger goal.  But at least I have one.  The problem is that the goal gets me through the day.  But I haven’t figured out yet what will get me through the night.  Because, by then I’m exhausted and don’t want to work anymore.  So then I just think.  And thinking is rough right now, because my mind just goes crazy.  It just keeps going and going and going.  How is a person supposed to relax, or to sleep, or be happy, when their mind is waging war against them?  Maybe the goal should be “stop thinking.”  That’s an idea.  How does one do this?  I tried that last night.  I tried shutting my brain off.  Didn’t work.  I mean, it worked, for about an hour at a time, and then I would wake up and start all over.  Each day at a time, I guess.  Each day, it will get better.  At least that’s what I’m hoping for.  That’s what I’m planning on.  So, today’s goal?  Cleaning the room.  Tomorrow’s goal?  Get my homework (that is very late) posted.  Sunday’s goal?  Be happy.  Monday’s goal?  I can’t think that far ahead.  Which is okay.  Because the every day goal is: Get through today, accomplish something, and find something to be happy about.  I can do that.  I hope.  I’ll let you all know tomorrow.

More thoughts…

Okay, so more thoughts on anger, because it’s an interesting topic.  At least, I think it is.  It’s all well and good to be angry with someone – you can yell at them, talk to them, cut them out of your life.  You can deal with it, and move on eventually.  But what if you’re not angry with someone else?  What if you’re angry with yourself?  And your life?  And your choices?  Everyone is, sometimes.  But what are you going to do?  Yell at yourself?  Cut yourself out of your own life?  Not exactly a viable (or healthy) decision.  Which just leaves you with more questions.  More frustration.  And when you start turning that anger on other people – well, that’s just not a good thing.  You can pick fights and blame other people for your unhappiness.  But until you face your own anger at yourself, you’re just not going to get anywhere.

Anger can fuel movement.  It can motivate you to get your ass out of bed and DO something.  It can inspire you to make some huge changes in your life.  Which is great.  But, until you forgive yourself and stop being angry at yourself, nothing is really going to change.  So, I stand by the fact that anger is a great motivator.  But only for so long.  Eventually, you have to let it go, consequences and all.

So, today I’m going to try to clean my apartment.  It’s a little goal.  One that I’ve been working on for a couple of weeks now.  I don’t mean dusting and dishes, although that’s part of it too.  I’m trying to clean everything out.  Start fresh.  Create a healthy, happy space.  A space where I can be happy and angry and sad and confused and inspired.  A space where I can yell, but where I can also curl up with a good book and glass of wine.  A space that is my own, that is clutter-free.  That’s my little goal today.  And maybe I’ll feel happier tonight.  Maybe I’ll be a little less angry with everything and everyone.  Maybe not.  I really have no idea.  But if anger can motivate, so can hope.  Right?

A great motivator

Have you ever noticed that anger is a great motivator?  It’s fantastic.  When you’re angry, you can yell and get upset and want to throw things, but it also gets your adrenaline going.  And once you’re going, you’re going.  There’s no stopping it until you run out of steam.  I think the key to anger is that you have to ride it out to make it last.  I know that sounds horrible.  Why would anyone want to be angry?  Good question.  Answer: Because angry is better than sad.  When you’re sad, you become lethargic.  It’s hard to get up off the couch.  It’s hard to do anything but cry.  But when you’re angry, you at least get shit done.  So that when you’re done being angry, which is inevitable, at least you’ve cleaned something or taken a risk you wouldn’t normally take or gone on a run.  Or updated your blog.  Or packed a bag for a random trip that you might or might not take in the morning.  Not that I’m saying any of this is applicable to me.  Or that this is what I’m thinking or feeling.  Just saying.  Anger is a great motivator.

Dave Matthews Band

I went to the Hollywood Bowl last night to see Dave Matthews Band perform, and had a great time!  Even though we found out at the last minute that we couldn’t bring in our bottles of wine.  And even though there was an extremely strung-out man dancing in the aisle right in front of us for most of the show.  And even though we left early to avoid the crowd, only to find that they had blocked our car in so there was no way home.

The music was great.  I wasn’t even sure that I liked this band when I bought the tickets…The only song I actually know is “Crash.”  But I enjoyed about 75% of the songs.  And it was nice to just go out with people.  To sit on a bench, sip wine (that I had to buy inside the venue), and chill.  To sit back and listen to live music.  It was a great night!  Here are a few photos:

Short update on life

It’s been an interesting few weeks.  Here’s a quick update:

I took a wonderful trip to Alaska – eventually that blog will be posted here.  I haven’t even had a chance to go through the 4,339 photos and videos that I took!

My mother had to go to the hospital for severe abdominal pain, and we’re still not sure what is wrong.  But she seems to be fine now.  A bit of a wake-up call for my family.  My mom is never sick, so it’s a bit scary right now, especially since we don’t know exactly what happened.

I’ve had to catch up on the writing class that I’m taking – I’m behind by 3 weeks.  I think I’m at the point that I don’t even want to catch up anymore, but I’m trying to push my way through it.

I’m looking forward to posting all the Alaska stuff.  We walked on a glacier, went whale watching, had a chance to video a mother bear and her cubs, took a 9-hour boat ride from hell, and saw more glaciers than I know what to do with.  It was a fantastic trip, and I want to share it with everyone.

But, right now, I’m just struggling with my day-to-day.  Still.  I thought that everything would be flowers and sunshine and happiness when I got back from the trip.  I thought that I would be excited to start over.  Instead, I’m just sort of lost.  Still.  I got in my car yesterday and drove an hour to the beach, because that’s the one place that everything makes sense.  I sat on a bench overlooking the ocean, sipped iced tea, and contemplated my life.  And here’s what I wrote:

“I have completely lost my identity.  I am no one right now and I want to be someone.  I mean, I’m a friend and a daughter and a cousin.  I am a woman living in a nice little apartment in a cute area with a normal to-do list.  I like to write and read and travel and experience life.  These are the things that I am.  But I am no one right now.  I am lost.  I was a teacher, a mentor.  I affected people.  Now I affect mostly myself.  I have no idea what my identity is.  I am lost.  I have no purpose.  At least I haven’t figured out a purpose yet.  I’ve always had a goal, a meaning to my life.

I’m sitting at the beach, feeling the breeze, starting to relax.  I feel hope.  But then I remember that I go back to being lost.  And I know that I have to barrel through.  I have to struggle through it and the other side will be better.  I have to take the step.  Whatever the step may be.  I just have to take one.”

I woke up this morning feeling even more lost than before.  I took my parents’ advice, and I just started a project.  I did a little homework.  I made a few phone calls.  I’m updating this blog.  I’m not happy.  I’m not content.  But I’m getting through the day.  And that, alone, is an accomplishment.

I am so grateful for the people in my life that are getting me through this.  That are sticking with me through the constant ups and downs.  Through the mostly downs lately.  That are patient, and encouraging.  I am so grateful for the people who believe in me so completely, especially when I don’t at all.

Every day is a new day.  Every night is a new night.  Today, I woke up, lost.  I cried.  I slept.  I wasted time.  Then I did some work and accomplished a few small things.  I went back to bed and watched a movie.  Then I did some paperwork and sent some emails.  Now I’m writing this.  Tonight I go to a concert.  Then I go to bed.  And tomorrow I wake up, and start all over.  And each day brings me farther and closer to what I want. Steps forward and steps backward.  But mostly forward, even when I don’t feel like it.  I will conquer this.  I will conquer my life.  And once I do, I will be able to do anything.  Meanwhile, I’m going to sleep, and cry, and work, and struggle, and have fun, and take it one day at a time.

Contentment

I just posted a blog that was half uplifting and half depressing. A step up from the post before that.  But I want to add that, right now, I’m happy.  Content.  I know that there will be some rocky points ahead, some challenges.  But right now, I’m just happy.  I’m content (finally) with where I’m at right at this moment.  Even with the scariness, and the challenges, and the unknown, this feeling of contentment has started to creep over me.  To allow me to start to smile, genuinely.  To give me a second chance at life.  I feel a faint stirring of excitement for the future.  I’m starting to feel adventurous again.  Who knows how I will feel tomorrow, or next week, or next month?  But, for right now, I’m content and happy.

I’m headed off on some travels to Alaska soon, and I’m so excited to see new things and take lots of pictures.  I’m excited to write about it all, to actually experience, to surround myself with nature.  Who knows what the future holds?  Who cares?  I’m happy with the right now.  I feel ready for anything…sort of.

**On a side note, I saw Young Frankenstein at the Pantages last night, and it was a lot of fun.  Slow in parts, but overall enjoyable.  I don’t know that I’d see it again, but I’m really glad that I saw it this time.  Entertaining music, corny jokes, great dancing.  Definitely a night of fun!

Okay, so I wrote this a few days ago, and I’m going to write a new, more positive one in a couple of minutes.  But I thought I should still post this one, just to be honest to the journey:

The last blog that I wrote was not terribly upliflting, and I was sort of waiting for a better day to write again.  But that hasn’t really happened.  I mean, I’ve had nice days.  I’ve even had a lot of fun moments.  But my mood is still the same.  I’m restless, and irritable.  And I’m completely obsessed with that mood.  I want to just snap out of it, and I can’t seem to do that.  I had a lovely night’s sleep, and I woke up upset.  About nothing in particular.  Just upset.  Which just annoys me.  Which then makes me more upset!  It’s an awful pattern.  The people in my life that I’m closest to keep telling me that I’m being too hard on myself.  That I need to just let myself get through this part of the stage.  I guess I agree.  I’d like to just be happy and content again though.  Now, please.

On a positive note, I have had a few fun experiences lately!  Last week, I went and saw “In the Heights” at the Pantages Theatre, which was an incredible show.  Beautiful music, and the lights and set were amazing.  The show itself was a fresh, new story, and the dancing was perfection.  Overall, a great night of theatre!  Before the show, we explored Leo Carrillo beach, looking for the tide pools and the sea cave.  The tide pools were closed, but we found the sea cave.  A little open cave that went from one side to the other.  It’d be awesome to have a picnic there, as long as you got out before the tide came in.  We stopped at Neptune’s Net for lunch – Not as great as I remember.  I think it’s become a tourist trap over the years, which is just sad.  It used to have decent food, and a lot of bikers.  I saw 2 bikes, and ate fish that was mostly just fried. Disappointing, but I’m able to mark it off my list.  We also stopped by Sweet Jane Bakery, also on my list.  We walked in, saw that a slice of dessert was $7.50 (and nothing looked terribly good), and walked right out.  I’m crossing it off my list, but I’m going back to Sprinkles Cupcakes a second time to make up for it!  And then we drove around LA, looking for things to do for a few hours.  I think the slurpee from 7-11 was the best thing we ate all day.  Should have just gone to a park or something.  But, the company was great, and it was nice just being up in LA for a while.  So, I crossed 4 things off of my list, and had a lovely, lazy afternoon ending in a night of fantastic theatre.  It was a good day.

I’ve seen 3 movies in the theatre (more than I’ve seen in years) – Despicable Me (go see it – It’s so well-done!), Knight and Day (much better than I expected – don’t take it too seriously, and it’s actually a pretty funny movie), and Dinner for Schmucks (it’s okay – funny at parts, pretty sad actually; I wouldn’t go see it again, but I don’t mind having seen it).  I’ve heard the symphony play outside on a lovely summer evening.  I’ve sat around my apartment and watched movies that I haven’t watched in years.  I finally saw “Jaws,” and I was able to see it outside, on the back of an old theatre wall.  I’ve seen my students perform at different venues – a library, a church.

I’ve spent time with family.  I’ve spent time with friends.  I’ve cried.  I’ve laughed.  I’ve tried to go out.  I’ve wanted to just stay in, curled up in my pajamas.  I want to be alone, but I don’t ever want to be alone.  I’ve tried to distract myself.  I’ve failed miserably.  But I’m not giving up.  Every day is a new day.  Every day gives me a new opportunity to start fresh, to start over.  To make new mistakes.  To make new choices.  To be happy.  To allow myself to feel this way.  I struggle with feeling like I want to cry, to throw up, or to hide under the covers.  But I’m so tired of feeling that way.  And I’m tired of thinking about feeling that way.  And I’m tired of talking about feeling that way.  But I have nothing else to think about.  It has completely consumed me.

I suppose I should focus on the good times.  I’m having plenty of them.  I should not focus so much on the future.  Or the past.  I should focus on now.  One of the hardest things in the world for me.  For anyone.  How do you focus on the present, when the past is full of so many mistakes?  When the future is so scary and unknown and big?  It’s funny – I thought I would be so excited with my life right now.  I thought that I would be off having adventures, and finishing projects that I’ve wanted to start for years, and writing, and networking.  Instead, I’m just sort of lost, not sure what to do, feeling sad that I’m without any sort of direction in my life.  It’ll pass.  These hard times always pass.  I’m just impatient.  I want it to pass now.